How To Build Zombie Traps
In our extensive research, we have come up with a few custom iSTZ Original Zombie Traps to rid you of those pesky ZEDs. Whether your goal is to kill them, slow them down, or trap them so you can personally finish them off like a 55 year old Chinese lady in a Vegas massage parlor, Captain Ross and Billy Walsh have got you covered.
QUESTION: How do zombies get you?
Since killing zombies comes as easy to me as Billy Walsh’s prom date did for him, I designed these traps to not only rid you of your pesky ZED infestation, but also for your pure amusement.
If you do your homework, you’ll find that every other Zombie Survival website recommends digging some kind of pit. While effective for small groups of ZEDs, we will leave that obvious loser of an idea off of our list. After all, what the hell do you think happens when the pit is full? Aside from that pit becoming a ZED filled bridge leading directly to your fresh tushie, it’s about as creative as The Hangover 2 was.
Below, you’ll find my latest and greatest inventions for killing zombies. Let me know what you think, and please excuse the crude drawings. I will neither confirm nor deny that I was pants-shitting drunk when I made them.
The Zombie Bait Trap
The Zombie Bait Trap is a good choice whether you’re trying to lure them away, or better yet, lure them to their sweet demise.
Of course, it requires a nearby cliff or steep decline, but the other necessary elements are rather easy to come by.
Utilize any noise or vibration to get their attention – try a baby monitor, Walkie Talkie, wind-up alarm clock (no batteries), or use your cell phone to play a nice ringtone. Go ahead and put on that “Call me Maybe” song. I can’t explain it, but I’m strangely drawn to that God forsaken tune.
Finally, dangle your noise maker from a branch and lead those soulless sons of bitches over the edge. Here is our version, let’s see yours!
The Zombie Slip and Slide
In order to pull off this little stroke of ingenuity you’re going to need a downward slope away from your safe house, a large tarp, and some lubricant. We prefer to use extra virgin olive oil, but feel free to improvise.
Set up some lawn chairs a safe distance from the edge of the tarp, and as the zombies approach, one by one they’ll start going down faster than a Tibetan hooker bobbing for apples.
This trap is easy to make, easy to maintain, and we’re pretty sure watching zombies do a slip and slide down the hill will never seem to get old.
Now, grab a few beers, kick back, and share a laugh!
Have a different variation? Show us your drawing!
The Bottleneck Maze
This one is going to take some work. If you were crazy enough, it would even be best to prepare this one before Z-day.
In a secure location stack some spare lumber, fallen trees, broken down cars, or if resources permit, go ahead and pour some concrete walls. Whichever method you choose, be sure to make them at least 6-10 feet high.
Start far away from your end location with wide openings and slowly close the gap with meandering passageways. Remember, zombies attack in massive hoards, which enables them to overcome many obstacles, so you’ll need to get them shuffling in as close to a single file line as possible.
This will alleviate stress on the walls, and more importantly, on you.
You’ll need to have an end game in mind here, as this is purely a device to make large numbers manageable. We suggest having them walk off a cliff, or directed into a large wood-chipper, meat-grinder, or any other smashing device. Use your imagination.
Maybe even, if your ammo stash permits, post a team of two armed with AR-15’s & 60 round magazines and alternate raining down the pain!
The Zombie Sling-Shot
This one is not going to save you for long, and will definitely not protect you from large numbers. It’s pretty much designed to bring on some good laughs while ridding you of that pesky lone ZED.
You’ll need industrial strength rubber or bungee cord, two solid structures, and a hand crank. Other than launching that son-of-a-bitch into the next zip code, one thing else is for sure – you’re going to shit your pants laughing!
If you’re lucky, the stench from your drawers will be so bad that the other zombies might just leave you alone anyway.
Before You Go:
Keep in mind we designed our traps to be effective against groups of 100+ ZEDs. Now get out there, and remember take these last few tips with you as you go on your zombie hunting adventures:
Zombie Tip #1
- Don’t waste your time building elaborate traps. Your resources are precious and hard to come by – so don’t waste them. As much as you like to call yourself MacGuyver because you made a bowl out of parts you found in your parent’s garage when you were sixteen, YOU ARE NOT MacGuyver.
Zombie Tip #2
- Always conserve your ammo. Ever wonder what happens when you run out of ammo all together? Silly question, we know. iSTZ fans would never be that careless.
Zombie Tip #3
- Be silent in your slaughter. Although we’re not entirely sure ZEDs will be attracted by sound, we’d recommend erring on the side of caution. Even if they can’t hear, they may still be able to sense vibrations. So don’t risk it.
If you want to be really creative try combining the Zombie Bait Trap, the Bottleneck Maze, and the Slip and Slide all into one massive display of awesomeness!
Shit, you can even create your own ZOMSTACLE COURSE!